I was intrigued by the Stay in the Canoe article. It reminds me of what I learned about in the Emotional Intelligence book, about understanding what people are feeling and being able to emphasize, and to communicate this empathy to the person you're talking to. It seems like common sense, and yet, it's harder than it looks. I liked the idea of "mirroring it back." Paraphrasing back what someone said to make sure you understand what you heard. It shows you're listening. I also like to ask questions or ask someone I'm talking to to repeat what they said that I didn't understand. That also shows I'm listening and that I care about what they're saying. And then to be able to validate that person, even if I don't agree with what they said, is very valuable. I know I like to be validated - I like to know I've been heard - it makes me feel worthy. I had an experience recently where a friend had a scary encounter with a man, who as it turns out, is someone I'm acquainted with. I did my best to listen to her, and I told her I was so sorry for what happened to her, and that I would help her get to the bottom of the situation, because at the time, the facts were not all clear. I validated her by assuring her that I believed her account of the situation.
I enjoyed the reminders that this article had to offer. I think a vital part of staying in the canoe with someone which can also aid validating and active listening is the assurance that you will in fact remain in the canoe. That you are committed to staying in the conversation and the relationship. There can be more risks taken to be vulnerable if you know that no matter what you are equally committed to resolution.
When reading Staying in the Canoe & Keep Paddling I was reminded of the book Running Meetings when it talks about solving conflicts in a meeting and how communication is important. In the book the author talks about how bringing issues to the surface is important when running a meeting. At the end of the day leadership is about understanding and accepting that conflicts will arise but we should be able to deal with them and offer guidance and be part of the resolution process. In Church leadership I think this is a good reading because as Pastors we marry our churches we become invested and it is important to listen and validate.
Cory, I appreciate the connection you made between Staying in the Canoe & Keep Paddling and Running Meetings. It seems so often, particularly in church meetings, that people are uncomfortable with conflict or disagreement. The typical response is to go "silent" meaning that the conversation just stops. Disagreement or opposing points of view are treated as something negative and to avoid. Beth begins this thread by talking about how important it is to be heard. Drawing on some of the discussion in Emotional Intelligence 2.0 and Running Meetings, you are spot on that it is the role of leaders / meeting facilitators to encourage discussion. listening and staying in dialogue until a resolution can be found.